Dear Father

I dreamed of you while I slept at night. I screamed into the darkness, longing for you to rescue me from my nightmares.
You didn’t come running to my room. I waited for you to soothe me, but you were too busy enjoying your affairs.

While passing strangers on the street, I saw only you in their face.
Men I had not met, but I was ready to have them take your place.

I wished they had turned and smiled. To let me feel fatherly warmth for just a moment.
I hoped to discover they were you. To let me break free from the endless torment.

I didn’t understand why you never wrapped your arms around me or why you left me behind.
I couldn’t accept I would never hear you tell me you love me or that you were just unkind.

When I performed for others, I saw only you. I shone just for you, but you were only there in my imagination.
You didn’t hear me deliver my lines or take my bow. You didn’t see me amaze, and you didn’t bathe in my gratification.

Perhaps you were conquering the world. Perhaps you were in bed with another whore. Whatever you did, you weren’t watching. Whatever you did, you made my heart feel sore.

You failed to save me when he tore my clothes from my small body. Sorrow embraced me while my tears flowed.
You failed to hear me cry out for you to ease my agony. Shame covered me with the filth he sowed.

Weren’t you supposed to protect me? No child should have to fight so young in his life.
Weren’t you supposed to rescue me? No child should have to know so much pain and strife.

I wondered whether you sensed my suffering in pain when he burned my innocence in the fire of desire and immorality.
I wondered whether you heard me whispering your name after you abandoned me to a world of chaos and abnormality.

I carry part of you inside me. I gaze at the world through your eyes. When I smile, it is you shining through.
The man you are forms part of me. The man you have been swims in my blood. When I speak, what others hear is you.

Father, I wish I knew why I could hold you only in my dreams. Why I could tell you I loved you only by whispering into the darkness.
Father, I wish I knew what I did to cause you to disappear from my life. What I did to make you distance yourself and appear so heartless.

I still dream of you during the darkest nights and wonder what I did to cause you to stay away. I still ache to feel your loving embrace, and to hear your words of encouragement on those big days.

Dear Father, I wish you had told me how I had hurt you.
What it was I did to shatter your heart.
Dear Father, I wish you had told me why I had lost you.
What it was I did to cause us to part.

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