You hunted me without the fear of others;
pursued me into the wilderness of my desire.
You caught me with the power of a tiger;
seduced me until my delicate heart raged with fire.
No one said I would be easy prey for you.
There’s so much, there’s always so much to be understood;
When you go hunting there is always a risk;
fear of failure could so diminish your lustihood.
Through thick leather flaps, I inched into an underworld;
heavy beats, writhing bodies and walls smeared with sin.
The gatekeeper wrapped a numbered strap around my wrist;
in a drunken haze, lost souls tore away their skin.
My heart pounded inside my chest and my hands trembled;
I undressed, friends left me and we were like strangers.
We sashayed into the pit of devils and monsters;
all too shameful to notice the vulgar dangers.
JAMES STRETCHED FROM under the safety of his warm quilt to switch off the alarm. As he did, his tired eyes spotted the red circle on his calendar that had spent weeks slithering toward him like a preying snake. Today it coiled around his body and crushed the life from it. Today he would digest slowly in some overactive stomach acid. Today he must leave his house.
James remained in bed and stared at the ceiling while listening to Classic FM. He contemplated having to venture outside for the first time in years. His stomach acid swirled and he couldn’t decide whether he needed to shit or vomit or both. His heart thumped several beats above the legal limit but he didn’t care about the police coming to arrest him, so long as he could stay at home.
Forgive me for my youth;
I allowed him to make me old.
I am repentant now.
Forgive me for my youth;
I allowed him to scar my soul.
My blood spilled over the descending sun
where the Celtic Sea kissed the golden sands;
no longer could the world see what he had done.
In the dark I wept while he broke my young heart;
may God forgive him.
Born innocent. Fair skin; so beautiful; emerald eyes.
My face shone so brightly that people felt blessed.
I was an angel in human form; they just couldn’t resist.
They started to fatten on the perversion of innocence.
Daddy walked out; not even a kiss on my tear-stung face.
A serpent planted its seed within my chest.
My heart pumped poison through my veins; I screamed into the dark.
I began my ethereal perversion of innocence.
My little world seemed perfect, but not all was well at home. My parents were going through a tough time, and they argued often. I was not sure what it was about because I was only five years old, but it made me anxious and brought a feeling of dread.
By Christmas 1982, the arguments between my parents continued, and they became more aggressive. I hated seeing my parents so angry at each other. I could see the sadness in their eyes, and I could feel heaviness in the house that had not been there before. I wanted to take away their pain, but I had no idea how I could do that.
They came for me while I languished there. They came for me while I sat staring at the stoney walls that imprisoned me. The feeble fire to warm my bones, made pained by the damp and northerly winds over so many years. The rats no longer noticed me; so long we had shared each others company.
They turned the key to open what was now nothing more than my pissing place. My emotions had run dry with time, as if I were sand on a baking desert. No longer did I have great care, with my shadow as my only charge.
I have been thinking of you.
More and more with each passing day.
No one will compare to you.
I wish life allowed you to stay.
I recall your deep hazel eyes.
A secret we still haven’t shared.
While alone, I release my cries.
You’re the one who truly cared.
Inside a fortress I exist,
never to feel the sun upon my face.
There is a brief moment of warmth,
but it is soon removed from this cold place.
I am kept chaste and majestic;
a figure for others to ridicule.
Will I ever be free from here?
Virgin Queen, I keep my silence;
married forever to my fears.
Virgin Queen, I hide my desires;
entwined by far too many tears.
No one can tempt me;
it is all that I know.
I long to be free;
will you be my release?
I’m locked in a transfixed state,
burning with fires of passion.
Deep inside your dark warm eyes,
I travel toward my fate.
To sail across the wild sea,
beyond the hidden fourth world.
Falling straight into your warmth,
where I can be truly free.