Injected deep into the veins of those with hungry ears;
the whispered rumours of someone else’s pain.
They are ravenous tumours who feed on the flesh of fear.
The blood aches for the heat of fragile words fired at the heart;
bitter fags flap their lies into the night air.
They are diseased junkies who truly believe they are smart.
You saw happiness in my eyes;
my heart beat faster than before.
You felt your control slip away;
your disdain too vile to ignore.
Railed at him ’cause he was man enough;
no match for my hot-blooded Asian knight.
He kicked down my walls; hit the green light;
your dull British blood could never excite.
Ten months had passed since I saw the vision of Father Christmas. My parents were still together, but things hadn’t improved. The arguments and fights continued; it felt normal to me, and I presumed all parents lived like that. I didn’t thought to mention it to school friends.
One October afternoon, while my younger brother played in the lounge and I up in my bedroom, my parents started another fight. It seemed more intense than usual, and Daddy shouted up to me. I ran to the stairs, but I froze part way down them when my father charged along the hall from the kitchen wielding a carving knife.
You hunted me without the fear of others;
pursued me into the wilderness of my desire.
You caught me with the power of a tiger;
seduced me until my delicate heart raged with fire.
No one said I would be easy prey for you.
There’s so much, there’s always so much to be understood;
When you go hunting there is always a risk;
fear of failure could so diminish your lustihood.
Through thick leather flaps, I inched into an underworld;
heavy beats, writhing bodies and walls smeared with sin.
The gatekeeper wrapped a numbered strap around my wrist;
in a drunken haze, lost souls tore away their skin.
My heart pounded inside my chest and my hands trembled;
I undressed, friends left me and we were like strangers.
We sashayed into the pit of devils and monsters;
all too shameful to notice the vulgar dangers.
Forgive me for my youth;
I allowed him to make me old.
I am repentant now.
Forgive me for my youth;
I allowed him to scar my soul.
My blood spilled over the descending sun
where the Celtic Sea kissed the golden sands;
no longer could the world see what he had done.
In the dark I wept while he broke my young heart;
may God forgive him.
Born innocent. Fair skin; so beautiful; emerald eyes.
My face shone so brightly that people felt blessed.
I was an angel in human form; they just couldn’t resist.
They started to fatten on the perversion of innocence.
Daddy walked out; not even a kiss on my tear-stung face.
A serpent planted its seed within my chest.
My heart pumped poison through my veins; I screamed into the dark.
I began my ethereal perversion of innocence.
My little world seemed perfect, but not all was well at home. My parents were going through a tough time, and they argued often. I was not sure what it was about because I was only five years old, but it made me anxious and brought a feeling of dread.
By Christmas 1982, the arguments between my parents continued, and they became more aggressive. I hated seeing my parents so angry at each other. I could see the sadness in their eyes, and I could feel heaviness in the house that had not been there before. I wanted to take away their pain, but I had no idea how I could do that.
They came for me while I languished there. They came for me while I sat staring at the stoney walls that imprisoned me. The feeble fire to warm my bones, made pained by the damp and northerly winds over so many years. The rats no longer noticed me; so long we had shared each others company.
They turned the key to open what was now nothing more than my pissing place. My emotions had run dry with time, as if I were sand on a baking desert. No longer did I have great care, with my shadow as my only charge.
I have been thinking of you.
More and more with each passing day.
No one will compare to you.
I wish life allowed you to stay.
I recall your deep hazel eyes.
A secret we still haven’t shared.
While alone, I release my cries.
You’re the one who truly cared.